Ask Questions to Help Loved Ones Prepare for the Future

Some of the most important conversations we have with the people we love can also be the hardest to start. Talking with a parent, grandparent or other older loved one about the future may feel uncomfortable, but it can help families understand what matters most before a need becomes a crisis. Conversations about health, housing, finances, and future care can help older adults share their wishes and give families a better understanding of how to support them.

"Awkward. Uncomfortable. But necessary," says Vintrica Grant, a licensed clinical social worker in Stanislaus County. "And I strongly recommend having these conversations early," rather than waiting until there’s a crisis and the only response is to react, Grant says.

Talking about an older loved one’s home, transportation, nutrition, and other needs can also create opportunities to strengthen family bonds, says Karen Quek, a family therapist and Associate Professor in the Department of Marital & Family Therapy at California State University, Dominguez Hills. These conversations are not about taking away a loved one’s independence. They’re an opportunity to understand what matters to them and how family members can help support their choices. "Healthy and connected families contribute to the well-being and success of all family members, creating a foundation for a fulfilling and balanced life," she says.

Start The Conversation

Start with everyday life. Ask about routines and day-to-day tasks before gradually moving into more sensitive topics such as future care or finances. These conversations don’t have to be formal; they can simply be woven into the meaningful moments you share together. Quek suggests using movie nights, board game nights, cooking together, or taking walks as natural opportunities to talk.

Conversation Starters

• What kinds of meals do you enjoy cooking these days? Are there times when ready-made meals might make things easier?
• How are things going at home? Is there anything I can help with, like organizing the garage or running errands?
• How are you doing getting to appointments or seeing friends? Are you comfortable driving, or are there other ways you'd prefer to get around?
• Have you reviewed your financial documents recently? Do you feel comfortable with your monthly budget and how everything is managed?

As these conversations become more comfortable, families may also want to talk about longer-term wishes and plans. These discussions can help ensure that decisions reflect an older loved one’s wishes if circumstances change in the future. Older adults, particularly those facing chronic health challenges, may already be thinking about end-of-life issues, Grant says, and talking openly about those wishes can bring relief.

"In general, we don’t talk as much about our mortality as we should," she says. "It’s a difficult conversation to have, but unfortunately, as a clinician, I see daily the struggles that result when clients don’t plan or entrust someone with their plans."

Consider the following questions:

• Have you thought about whether you need a will, living trust or other legal planning documents?
• Do you have long-term care insurance or life insurance?
• Have you documented your health care wishes, including through an advance health care directive?

Other Conversation Tips

Quick suggests a few things to keep in mind during these conversations:

• Practice active listening
• Respect each person’s perspectives and values
• Be open and honest about your wishes and plans

Although these conversations may be difficult to start, they can strengthen family connections and provide something valuable: clarity and peace of mind. And resolution can bring something priceless.

"An incredible sense of relief comes from knowing everything is in order," says Melinda Forstey, president and chief executive officer of Serving Seniors, a San Diego nonprofit. "That’s peace of mind for themselves, for their children, and for their families."

You don’t have to talk about everything at once. Asking one thoughtful question and taking the time to listen can be the first step. California offers a variety of resources to support older adults and families, from meal programs and transportation to caregiving support. Find resources in your community on the California Department of Aging website or by calling 800-510-2020 to learn more.